Who was the last person you threw out of your life?
I threw a dead hamster out the other day. My kids buried it with full military honors. Quite touching.
Are you wearing any socks??
One on each ear.
Do you regret something you did yesterday?
I may have had plans involving poop that got put off. And poop is very, very important.
Last movie you watched in theaters?
Twilight. Cuz I’m 12.
What kind of bottoms are you wearing?
Grey. With some sort of athletic drawstring.
What do you hear right now?
My husband watching nerd shows.
Is something bothering you right now?
Why are most all-you-can-eat buffet’s so crappy? Its really just not fair, I mean statistically at least a few should be good.
Are you sarcastic?
Only in the most literal sense of the word.
Are you shy?
When my nipples are showing I tend to be bashful.
Who’s the last person you talked on the phone with?
Some guy with a really husky voice. He kept asking about my underwear so I gave him my bank account information.
In the past week have you felt stupid?
The inflated ego takes care of that.
What were you doing at 9 AM this morning?
Sitting in class. Being cool.
Has someone disappointed you recently?
I keep my expectations low, low how low can you go?
Do you have plans for this weekend?
Visiting family.
What do you want to name your kids?
Fartface and Bananabutt.
If you could pack up and move, would you?
I have moments.
What person in your family are you the most like?
Me.
Who did you sit with at lunch today??
Jason.
Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?
And then this guy came running out with chilli running down his leg.
Do you like the Jonas Brothers?
My son does.
Honestly, how many people have you COMPLETELY fallen for?
I fall a lot. The other day I actually fell down a flight of stairs and no one was around to see it. I was fine by the way. I mean, I keep hearing someone telling me to eat more beets every time I turn left, but other than that I’m doing good.
Who have you texted in the last 24 hours?
My son came home with a “texter” he made out of construction paper. Apparently it is all the rage in his class. Imaginary texting.
Whats the closest thing to you thats liquid?
Cat water.
Strawberry pancakes or banana pancakes?
Banana.
What time is it?
Half past a monkey’s ass a quarter to his balls.
Would you rather go to Tokyo or Paris??
Paris. Been to Tokyo briefly, although I would like to go back.
Are you listening to music right now?
The music of my heart.
Who else is in the room with you?
Two cats and a barbie with broken wings.
Do you swear often??
Yes, yes I do.
Are you crushing?
I hope not. I depend on gravity to keep me up but we all know its just a matter of time.
Who was your last text from?
Brudda.
What was the last compliment you recieved?
That I’m not as stupid as some other people are. That was nice.
Do you have a laptop?
Yeah.
Are you going on vacation in the summer?
No idea. I may briefly disappear and surface in South America.
What’s your full name?
Valerie Anne Adolf Usama Mata Hari Serio.
Do you have good memories with old friends?
I have a lot of memories, its just some of them are not, shall we say, real. They are all mixed up in there. So do I actually have a friend who trains narwhals to ride bikes? Maybe. Maybe not.
Are you wearing a necklace?
No. I was greatly influenced by that creepy story about the girl who has a string around her neck and then her head falls off. I’m not sure what that has to do with necklaces but I think of that every time I want to wear one.
What jewelry can you not live without?
I am pretty sure I can live without jewelry. You know what I can’t live without? Earplugs.
Would you date the person who posted this?
I don’t think I would date anyone. Dating is very weird. Arranged marriage almost seems kinder.
When was the last time you threw up?
Halloween. Candy will never be the same for me.
What are you doing tonight?
I’m working on my secret plutonium based project in the basement.
If you were someone else, would you be friends with you?
No. I would be in a cave somewhere, being cool and living off the land. And I would have a penis.
What is something you say when you’re mad?
I’m mad.
What family member do you look like?
Mom.
Have you ever seen your best friends cry?
She does if I pinch her hard enough. But then she breaks my finger and I give her a bloody nose… and then we laugh. Good times.
What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
The gross kind.
Are you friends with your neighbors?
More like wave and try to avoid conversation.
Where have you lived throughout your life?
Turlock, Modesto, Okinawa, Turlock. Turdlock.
Last piercing you got?
Nose.
Have you ever gone to a beach?
Once my dad took me to work with him and I spent the whole day on the rainy beach. I found a shark egg and a live starfish. I also wrapped seaweed around my head and pretended it was my hair.
What do you usually do first? in the morning?
I go outside and yodel. Its very soothing.
What were you doing at 1 AM this morni?ng?
Being gassy.
